"You ought to try reading your shirt sometime, Lister. It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo." -- Rimmer

"Dead people can have heart attacks too, you know." -- Lister

"Rimmer, there's nothing out there, you know. There's nobody out there. No alien monsters, no Zargon warships, no beautiful blondes with beehive hairdos who say, "Show me some more of this Earth thing called kissing." There's just you, me, the Cat, and a lot of floating smegging rocks. That's it. Finito." -- Lister

"After intensive investigation, comma, of the markings on the alien pod, comma, it has become clear, comma, to me, comma, that we are dealing, comma, with a species of awesome intellect, colon."
"Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation." -- Rimmer and Holly

"Lister, don't you ever stop and wonder: why are we here? What's the grand purpose?"
"Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why can't it be like, like, human beings are a planetary disease? Like the Earth's got German measles or facial herpes, right? And that's why all of the other planets give us such a wide berth. It's like, 'Oh, don't go near Earth! It's got human beings on it, they're contagious!'" -- Rimmer and Lister

"Mankind hasn't even got the technology to create a toupee that doesn't get big laughs." -- Lister

"I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws. Five sacred laws! I've broken four of them meself. I'd have broken the fifth, but there's no sheep on board." -- Lister

Dead people can have heart attacks too, you know. -- Lister

"Lister, don't you ever stop and wonder:  why are we here?  What's the grand purpose?"
"Why does it have to be such a big deal?  Why can't it be like, like, human beings are a planetary disease?  Like the Earth's got German measles or facial herpes, right?  And that's why all of the other planets give us such a wide berth.  It's like, 'Oh, don't go near Earth!  It's got human beings on it, they're contagious!'" -- Rimmer and Lister

Mankind hasn't even got the technology to create a toupee that doesn't get big laughs. -- Lister

I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws.  Five sacred laws!  I've broken four of them meself.  I'd have broken the fifth, but there's no sheep on board. -- Lister