TV Quotes

"My hovercraft is full of eels." -- Monty Python's Flying Circus

"Why is he eating Cleveland? Cleveland don't taste good." -- Tazmania

"I've never been in a ladies washroom."
"I have. They have a couch," - Two men selling purses on QVC

Cybill Quotes from the comedy Cybill

"Give me the grandmother-babe or I'll feel my wrath." -- Aphrodite, Hercules: the Legend Continues

"I have more caffeine in me than blood cells." -- Sam, Profiler

You have all been the victims of a hostile makeover. -- Ceecee, The Nanny

"Facial art. Oooo! How wilderness." -- Q, Star Trek: Voyager

"Stop pestering Satan!" -- Margie, The Simpsons

"We've secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with Foldgers dark roast crystals. Let's see how long it takes for the Enterprise crew to notice..." -- A Star Trek Joke

"'ManLand'? You have a themepark between your legs now?" -- Jill, Home Improvement

"I love doing this to Ray's character. He's so much fun to manipulate. Sort of like Gumby, but with an agenda." -- About Due South

"What do you get when you trace your butt onto paper?"
"Nothing anybody wants to see." -- 7th Heaven

Bumper sticker on Borg ship: "Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

"Money is a lot like men - if you act like you aren't interested it end's up in your pants." -- All Fired Up

Dave's World -- Quotes from the comedy Dave's World

The Tick -- Quotes from the cartoon The Tick

Babylon 5 -- Quotes from the tv series Babylon 5

Cupid -- Quotes from the comedy/drama Cupid

Well, draw me tingly! I get the fun part! -- Rice Crispies commercial

If we're attacked by indians Bert, circle the wheelbarrows.

Life is like walking through a mine field. You never know when a step will cause an explosion.

"We prefer to get our secondhand smoke the old-fashioned way... in nudie bars." -- Ellen

You can't be a successful dictator and design woman's underwear. -- Bertie Worster, Jeeves & Wooster

"You can't turn Buddhist. I won't let you chant mantras. It'll wake up daddy." -- Keeping Up Appearances

"Football is just socially sanitized homoerotic rituals." -- Mr.Bean

Wait, I just remembered something. You're boring and my legs work. -- David, Please Shoot Me

Every time scooby eats a scooby snack, he says "scooby DOOBIE doo!" coincidence? I doubt it.

Welcome to the nether regions of the soul. -- Bart Simpson

Relax doesn't go in the same sentence as New York. -- Spiderman

Black man don't have no money. White man has all the money. Black man just has white girls crawling all over him.

I went to see Titanic three times just to see some white people drown.

"My boy tried something like this at his age. 'Why do I have to eat the other animals Dad? What's so important about the food chain dad?'"
"What did you do?"
"I ate him."
"I like it."
"I'm tough, but I'm fair." -- food and Earl, Dinosaurs

When life hands you giant zombie lemons, make giant zombie lemonade! -- Crazy Bob, Super Action Team

Oh, for god's sake, say yes before the harness cuts his nuts off! -- Waiting for God

The vagina is a rubix cube for most guys. -- Adam, Loveline

Genital skin should be like saddle leather, not like origami or rice paper! -- Adam, Loveline


Deep Space 9

Can you keep a secret?
Only until I meet another person. -- Maxfield and Niles, The Nanny

"Heathens to the left of me, infidels to the right.  Next thing you'll be telling me that you're not virgins." -- Xena

"I still think you'd make a great virgin!" -- Xena

The Drew Carey Show

Nobody in their right mind would come to our house for dinner. -- Alan Quatermaine, General Hospital

The Late Show with David Letterman

Fifty to one odds. It doesn't seem fair. I'll close my eyes. -- Norman, Mighty Max

If only we could live in a culture where men could kiss men without shame. -- Norman, Cheers

What happens if they find you guilty? You'll be thrown out of Congress and you'll have to run for President. -- Ally McBeal

He's ruining my city! I'm the only one who can do that! -- the Mask

This is worse than tailgating a Manhatten taxi. -- Spiderman

I don't catch bouquets, I catch bombs. -- Lois Lane, Lois & Clark

Don't you think hiding in the potty is a little immature. -- Silver, TMNT: The Next Mutation

I think my mom directing me in a love scene would seriously mess me up for life. -- Home Improvement

"From the Mediterranean right?"
"Actually, you go to the Mediterranean, then turn left." -- Olivia and Balki, Perfect Strangers

We're women. We have double standards to live up to. -- Ally McBeal

Aladdin: The Series

Super Action Team

Why can't I play with the mannequins? -- Precious Roy, the Sifl & Olly Show

Computerized death. Don't you just love progress? -- Peter Veckman, The Real Ghostbusters

You may rule the nether regions, but I run this court! -- Judge Whopper, SNL

Wow, two members of my family apologizing without a policeman present. -- Murphy Brown

You know, [Playboy] Playmates love a man carrying an inflatable sheep. -- Road Rules

Black Adder

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids: The Series

Dharma & Greg

A slight crush? There are cannibals who are less man hungry. -- Niles Crane, Fraiser



General Hospital

I want to use that crotch someday! -- co-host of Tom Green Show

"So, he brought his work home with him. Lots of people do!"
"Yeah, but how many of those jobs include lubricant?" -- Ryan & St. John, Silk Stalkings

It's hard to concentrate when you have a badger stuck to your ear. -- Celebrity Deathmatch

"What causes homophobia?  What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this?  I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance.  We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right.  Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything.  What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels.  No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'" -  Jerry Seinfeld

The commandments say you shall not kill, not you shall not kill nice people. -- Stone, Law & Order

Somewhere there's danger, someplace there's injustice, and somewhere else, the tea's getting cold. -- Dr. Who

I am the locksmith of love, non? -- Pepe le Peu, Looney Toons

"What happened to bullets and knives?"
"Don't you believe in progress?"
"I believe in people taking their work personally." -- Law & Order

Sins of the City

You fill a cop's cavity. You'll have a friend for life. -- Mama's Family

Oooo! Negativity! Someone needs the pyramid hat! -- commercial

It's orange, the color of your pubic hair. -- Tom Greene, the Tom Greene Show

"You want to work here?"
"I'm not housebroken." -- Pizza Hut manager and Crash Bandicoot, Pizza Hut commercial

"To great minds"
"Pure hearts"
"Hard bodies." --  Roberto, Sydney, and Nigel, Relic Hunter

What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, gooooood. -- Joey, Friends

"Well, we better call first aid and tell them we have a 2515."
"2515? That means their hampsters had stolen a churro wagon." -- Security guards, Disney's California Adventure special

"I know you think your underappreciated."
"And underpaid."
"Hobbs, think of it this way. Who are they going to replace you with that will work this cheap?" -- Fawkes & Hobbs, Invisible Man

I have lost many friends to the squirrels. -- EDS commercial

"Who's the African-American professional investigator who has safe, consensual sex with strong, independent women who work for equal pay?   Shaft."  -  Steve 2000

"This is a free country."
"No, it's a democracy. And, the majority of us don't like what's going on here." -- Suspect and Finn, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

That's twice today I've been violated! This means war! Salt the earth! -- blond gunman, The Lone Gunmen

"Should we be worried?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna die laughing." -- Scholar and Monkey King, The Lost Empire

"In the months we've worked together, have you ever heard me say I need a drink?"
"Nuh huh."
"Good. Take me to a bar." -- Castillo and Tubbs, Miami Vice

You can't see anything that's already happened, unless you're on the lavatory. -- Black Adder special

I've heard some rubbish in my time. Most of it from my mouth... -- Black Adder special

Want to go halves on a couch?
If I do, can I sleep on it? -- Crockett and Tubbs , Miami Vice

"I was on the phone, long distance."
"To god?"
"My mother"
"Your mother is god? See, proof that God's a woman!" -- Lorelie's Father & Lorelie, Gilmore Girls

I still can't get over that I'm related to God. It'll make getting Madonna tickets so much easier. -- Lorelie, Gilmore Girls

"When you look annoyed all the time, people think you're busy."-- George, Seinfeld

"Sup with that whack Playstation? Sup?"--Joey, Friends

"Jack's old....In a sexy way, like a vampire."---Nina, Just Shoot Me


Now, I'm not saying I'm God, but I do bring forth a mighty vengeance if disobeyed. -- Bernie, The Bernie Mac Show

We may be small portioned people... but we have small minds! -- McDonald's radio commercial (Yeah, yeah, it's not tv, but this is the closest I category I can put it into)

He can't have her! I love her! Weeping. Weeping. -- robot snowman, Staples commercial

"You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning."
"I haven't been dressed by a bird since I was two." -- Paris and Roarie, Gilmore Girls

I'm so damn lonely, even animal planet doesn't do it for me anymore. -- Kirk, Gilmore Girls

I'm sorry. I couldn't understand you. Could you be a bit more vague? -- Sarah, Witchblade

'Home Alone' is a movie not an alibi. -- Lenny, Law & Order

I miss the way your eyes sparkle when you're paranoid. -Jax, General Hospital

"It's the principal of the thing. The principle is more important than for me to have sex tonight."
"I think you've come down with something." -- Cold Feet

It's hard to spell at 210 beats per minute. -- Whose Line Is It Anyway

From now on, I shall shoot my dinner salad before I eat it. -- Dinobot, Beast Wars: Gorilla Warfare

We're covert ops, we're supposed to lie, cheat, and steal. -- Earth:Final Conflict

The SEC doesn't make threats. People either cooperate with us or not, and we have a long memory. -- Law & Order

You think it's easy cultivating a porn star? -- Law & Order

"He may be a moron, but my son is not murderer."
"So, he's only half a chip of the old block." -- Law & Order

"The man you have been refering to happens to be a man of the cloth."
"A priest?"
"No, a fashion designer. Of course, a priest!" -- Eve and Chris, Port Charles

"Do you lie alot, to preserve his ego?"
"All the time. It's politics and self-preservation." -- Gideon and Nix, Babylon 5: Excalibur

How odd to know everyone's heart, but my own. -- Telepathboy, Babylon 5: Excalibur

"They're hailing us... in English."0
"Then we've got more of the same race, or there's a very busy English teacher some where." -- telepath-boy and Gideon, Babylon 5: Excalibur

"Some people would say we're messing with their culture."
"They will. Screw them." -- telepath-boy and Gideon, Babylon 5: Excalibur

She's like the Michael Jackson of redheaded strippers. -- Decker, GvE

Candy Stripes was being hunted like a wounded gazelle. And we've all watched enough Discovery Channel to know what happens to wounded gazelles. -- The Wiz, GvE

You have insulted my loins and the loins of my ancestors. For that, you must pay. -- sex offender, GvE

In a hair salon, no one can hear you scream. -- Smythe, GvE

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