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A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
I am not insane, I am artistic!!
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is the main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?
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