And now watch as I transplant into this man a dog's brain! No change in I.Q., but he's much more willing to lick and fetch!

Contrary to popular opinion, God's last name isn't Damn.

I once heard the voice of God. It said 'Vrrrrmmmmm.' Unless it was justa lawn mower.

Looking for a man to sweep me off my feet & then clean the rest of the house.

PMS is temporary, but tetosterone poisoning lasts forever.

This was a private hell until you walked in.

Thanks, but I've already tried sticking it there.

Yes, mom took acid.

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I don't mind if you smoke if you don't mind if I stink up your clothes, flick ashes on your floor, poison your children, and choke you.

Any connection between my reality & yours is purely coincidental.

A liberal is someone who hasn't been mugged yet.

Yes, mom took acid. What's your excuse?

Monkeys make scheduled flights out of my butt!

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.

I have the image of half naked natives genuflecting to a four story Pooh statue.

God be between you and harm in all the empty places you walk - Egyptian 18th Dynasty blessing

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is the main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?  Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?

The light went out, but where to?

Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?

Why is it you have a pair of pants and only one bra?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Every millennium, our species loses a trait and takes on a new one. Wouldn't it be nice if hatred could be the next, replaced by a stronger sense of compassion?

I'm as jober as a sudge

If you don't like my driving..stay off the sidewalk!!!

Hey!  We liked to be called mentally unique

Due to budgetary cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Going crazy, wanna come along?

Now I know why guys give women champagne!

She fondles the remote.

People in glass houses shouldn't collect food stamps

Santa enjoys the benefit of magically induced warp-based technology and temporal stretching, which allows him to make all the trips he needs to make in a single night in our timestream but allows him the entire year in his time.  This also renders him invisible to radar, and permits him time to slip in and out our timestream for bathroom breaks and coffee.

Live each moment as if your hair is on fire!

I'm a bulemic with Alzheimer's. I binge and forget to purge.

I could say something so crude right now, but I have to call my parents tonight and I don't want that on my conscience...

May their tampons morph into gila monsters.

It would have bad karma associated with it too, except that it's so wonderfully funny that you actually get karma bonus points.

One seed can plant a garden, one drop can start a sea; One doubt can start a hatered, but one dream can set us free...

If you just want to lie there, I can deal with that. I just don't want your nose in my crotch.

The bottom of the cookie is smooth! Like a baby's butt.
You are *so* wierd.

Who knew it was this easy to make us easy?

If you listen closely, you can hear my toe do the theme song from Close Encounters.

I have never claimed I had to be rational and logical about my obsessions.

Reality is overrated, but I hear the market is going up. Sell.

I'm so behind on my writing I'll never die!

This was only a code yellow emergency. In the event of a code red whining emergency, something truly worth whining about would be used...

That piece of paper is trash.
Is it slutting around with the other pieces of paper?

Angst is good. I'm glad I don't angst.

I think all these boys are having an orgy, and haven't invited me to watch.

I don't know what happened; one minute we were slapping each other with meat... the next minute, it got weird.

A day (or a few hours) without email is even worse than a day without chocolate!

When it comes to conversation, women and men are as different as Barbara Walters and a dead person. -- Janet Konttinen, San Francisco Chronicle columnist

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is the Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It should be used only for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No on will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

I seem to have a humongous problem with writing a story after I wrote the outline. My mind seems to think, the outline is enough, the story is done. Let's go play hide and seek with the rest of your voices!

I wish I could snap my fingers and make your troubles go away.
I can clap my hands and make the lights  go on , but that's probably not real helpful

Remember, when you're feeling so  low you have to reach up to touch bottom...... whose bottom it is can make a big difference!

Always remember this :   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems...
...but it will annoy enough people  to make it worth the effort !!!!

I am only the messanger for the little voices in my head.

How on earth did those walking gonads manage to take control of the world, anyway?

I don't rely on karma, I prefer fire-arms and high explosives. (what can I say??? I just like to be certain)

I love being a fic writer.  It's so much fun to make your characters writhe in agony!

But that's the best part of having a bad guy: torturing them! It's so much more satisfying when you make them cry!

Bow to your partner, then drop kick them into next week.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks,  especially if she winks
back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:  1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

If we're not back by 10, avenge our deaths!

And every breath I ever took; every tear I ever wept; every star I wished upon seemed nothing until now.  Every prayer I ever said seemed strangely answered now.  Could it be I'm in love?

Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go.

A kiss may ruin a human life.

Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live

Come back in victory, or come back on your sheild.

How on earth did those walking gonads manage to take control of the world, anyway?

For sale cheap: one life. not used much. near mint condition.

I don't believe in Guns.
I Do! I've actually seen one!
Yeah, I hear that the Government has secret warehouses where they keep them.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

Remember, it's not, How high are you? it's Hi, how are you?

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married!

God is dead. -Nietzsche;   Nietzsche is dead. -God

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:  If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

We gladly feast on those who would subdue us.

A kiss may ruin a human life.

Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live.

When in doubt, destroy it with a thermonuclear weapon.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

My goal in life...  is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
 

Cat quotes:

Managing programmers is like herding cats.  --Dave Platt

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.  --Bruce Graham

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. --Unknown

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never forgotten this.  --Anonymous

Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.  --Jeff Valdez

In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.  --English proverb

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.  --Ellen Perry Berkeley

One cat just leads to another.  --Ernest Hemingway

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.  --Mary Bly

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. --Joseph Wood Krutch

People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. -- Faith Resnick

There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They are all owned by cats.  --Anonymous

I have studied many philosophers and many cats.  The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.  --Hippolyte Taine

No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.  --Unknown

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. --Albert Schweitzer

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.  --Ernest Menaul

Dogs believe they are human.  Cats believe they are God.

Time spent with cats is never wasted.  --Colette

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.  True, and they have many other fine human qualities as well.  --Missy Dizick

You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.  --Colonial American proverb

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.  --Joseph Wood Krutch

I got rid of my husband.  The cat was allergic.

My wife said it was him or the cat ... I miss her sometimes.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.