This is not Burger King, Federal Express, or the Library of Congress. Therefore, I do not do it your way, deliver overnight, or know everything.

Look, my parents think you're a bad influence on *me*too*.

I worry that if peanut oil comes from peanuts, and olive oil comes from olives, where *does* baby oil come from?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Guacamole looks to me like something that fell out of a pamper...can't get it past my eyes....

Man I gotta figure out a way to harness this power to my benefit.

I feel I'm in the twilight zone here and I haven't had a drink yet......

When I saw it my first thought was, "Man, good thing I'm on the pill." My second thought was, "Wait... *What* orgy?!"

Whoa... like, that Downy's, like, trippy, man...

"Toads just fell from the sky!"
"I guess theirparachutes didn't open."

"You're turning down a bigger one?"
"Size isn't everything"

What's another word for thesaurus?

"Leprechaun meets Terminator. Now *there's* an image."
"Wait, can we get the Kinky Pixie in on this one too?"

I only drank on Sat, not yesterday. I only had three glasses of champagne, oh and those two glasses of wine, but I didn't really drink.

Maybe when I'm about 60 I'll get really wild, join a biker gang, tattoo my ass, and start a rock band! Woo hoo!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.... Then, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.

Your car insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.

I trade obsessions like some people trade baseball cards.

Due to tough economic times the light at the end of the tunnel is temporarily out of order.

Paranoia is a sign of intelligence.

She's like a gremlin. You don't feed her after midnight, you don't get her wet... is that why you don't take that many showers?

If silence is a weapon, then I am defenseless.

Since I have no sense of decency, all my other senses are enhanced.

Being senile means I can hide my own Easter Eggs.

You drive on the parkway and you park on the driveway.

What? You have a problem with me running around in my bra?

Back to real Life Quotes