You take one look at her <innocent look> and you'd swear she steals candy from babies.

I am a fat, mean woman! With a warped mind! Not a damn pixie!

In science fiction, your brain's eaten by aliens. In fantasy, it's demons.

First we're picking up stray cats, now we're picking up stray kids. As long as the kids don't get as numerous as the cats.

Death drives an SUV!

I know I know. My intelligent facade has deceived you into thinking I know what I'm talking about.

In which case, it's a conspiracy hatched by some anarchistic demonic genius fiend. Probably my dog.

Only the knowledge I'd never spout poetry when dumping someone is keeping me firmly rooted in reality.

Yeah, there's really no dignified way of scratching that area.

I dug this in the same sickeningly satisfying way that I enjoy stomping spiders.

Gee, how *is* it that I disregard warnings? It's almost as if I have no sense of self-preservation or something...

Bless my plugs, father, for they have sinned...

I do require a caffeine-based hot liquid in a bovine-product suspension with sucrose.

I'm always intellectual! Just sometimes I'm intellectual about undies or something.

Argh! We're getting metaphysical and deep and intelectuall again! I need air! Air! HELP!

Dream worlds are far superior to Real Life. You can control your dream world and populate it with people you want there. In Real Life, you can only hope the people who annoy you go away before you kill them in a slow and painful way.

Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean tried a lot of it at once! It's amazing. I wrote two papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way to dry laundry, and I- my, my heart...I can't bre-

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why can't I just write what I know?! I guess because no one wants to read stories about women who own dogs who like to eat asparagus.

There's no excuse for laziness but I'm workin on it.

You might have to sit on her& shove something in her mouth to enforce that, actually... And April, well, you'd have to tape her to the baggage counter.

Never hug a woman who has garlic in her arm pits.

Wow, I didn't know that cheesecake was a crucial element in the persuit of world domination. Groovy. Regular or slathered in strawberries?

A happy ninja is a ninja less likely to kill you.

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

Few problems cannot be solved by proper application of high explosives.

He's mostly dead Jim. Get Miracle Max.

Damn, it's summer again. Get the weedwhacker. I need to shave my legs.

Trust takes on a whole new meaning when you're dealing with someone who collects very sharp objects as a hobby.

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