These days, I don't think ANYTHING qualifies as weird.

He who dies with the most toys ..... WINS!!

Wow, I never knew she had a thing for green felt with a hand up its butt.

Aim high--it gives you a hell of a jolt when you crash and burn and inspires massive chocolate binges.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I've always depended on the kindness of strange people.

It's a job, and someone dirty's gotta do it!

Boren's First Law: When in doubt, mumble.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Q: What's the most frightening sentence in the English language?
A: "I'm from the government.- I'm here to help."

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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