Back to TV Quotes
Quotes are said by Letterman or on his show...
How can you say I don't care about you? I flew 2,300 miles sit next to you! -- Richard Simmons to David Letterman
I'm fifty, and I look like a regular guy. You look like a poodle. -- Letterman
There is no off position on the genius switch. -- Letterman
"Which Olympic sport would you like to see in the nude?"
"Ice hockey."
"Nude hockey?!" -- Letterman and woman on the street
There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal -- Letterman
I spend most of my free time under the house. -- Letterman
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either. -- Letterman
You know, I'm not exactly under oath here. -- Letterman
You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey. -- Lettermen
If my brain hadn't shrunk, I'd be insulted. -- Letterman
"Why don't you do a romantic movie?"
"I would, but I'm having too much fun blowing stuff up." -- Letterman
and Bruce Willis
One lucky contestant will be dipped in batter. -- Announcer, Letterman
It was such a dull award show, I thought I was hosting. -- Letterman
God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night! -- Letterman
"How long have we been doing this?"
"A hundred years." -- Letterman & Paul
You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy. -- Letterman
"Who's your favorite Hanson?"
"The blonde one." -- Bob, Letterman's receptionist and Dan Aykroyd
Lesbians have never been more popular. -- Letterman
Have we got a dump truck of a show tonight! -- Letterman
This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun! -- Letterman
Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger. -- Letterman
If you were on a sinking boat, would you rather be with Leo DiCaprio or me? -- Letterman
This guy makes David Copperfield look like a goat at a slumber party. -- Letterman
We love to grope, and it shows! -- Letterman
Please kids, I beg you. Don't be stealing beer underage. -- Letterman
You put a styrofoam cup on the kid's head! -- Letterman
Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.' -- Letterman
You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that? -- Letterman
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins. -- Letterman
You have a chat with the king then exit through an oil painting. --
Letterman
"I fully expected to step out of my limo and change into a pumpkin."
"Did that ever happen?" -- Patrick Stewart and Letterman
"You have to be scared of helicopters."
"No, you don't."
"Sure you do. They don't float."
"That's why you don't dive in the water, Dave." -- Letterman &
Harrison Ford
"What type of helicopter do you have?"
"A blue one." -- Letterman & Harrison Ford
"Interesting thing about Anne Heiche. She's a lesbian."
"No... She's a thespian." -- Letterman & Harrison Ford
Moose: the El Dorado of ungulates. -- Harrison Ford
"When you're hiking and you see a grizzly, what can you do?"
"You can lay on your back with your feet in the air and pray."
"Sounds like my honeymoon." -- Letterman and Harrison Ford
Let's call a spade a spade. You're not the hardest working man in show business. -- Letterman about Harrison Ford
If only this guy could use his stupidity for good, and not evil. -- Letterman
Comes in three flavors -- chocolate, vanilla, and lesbian. -- Late Show Top 10
they all know my feelings... They don't care. -- David Duchovney
Bees: tiny little lions with wings. -- David Duchovney
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver. -- Letterman
She's young enough to be his intern. -- David Duchovney
I don't want to be licked by anything that I'm not sleeping with later. -- Ellen Barkin
I spend the weekends under the house. -- Letterman
I don't know if you've ever seen this show. Hell, I don't even know if you're watching now. -- Letterman
You get the best of flying, and once you're in the cockpit, you can take your pants off. -- Letterman
It's Valentine's Day, and the state police love me. -- Letterman
It's not too late to get the stand-by audience in here. -- Letterman
I think I got a cold sore from that damn duck! -- Letterman
If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can. -- Letterman