"Hehp! Hehp me Nickowaahs! I gah pahcahn stahk in mah fahnss!" -- LaCroix, as written by Tippi in one of her Top Tens

Bite me baby!

This is a story about a vampire named Nick and is senseless quest for size 31 jeans.

There can't be a poem about a vampire's underwear because vampires can't wear underwear!

Volunteer: you could voLUnteer to be LUcien's squeeze toy. (I will never forget how to spell volunteer again...)

And what is LaCroix's wrath compared to a new wardrobe?

Come on Nicholas. You're smarter than that.

Nicholas, you don't know how lucky your are to be alive.

He must have gone to LaCroix's school of parenting.

"I would like the wisdom so that I never again try tequila slammers." -- Natalie as written in "The Problem with Mutants" by Tracy Morris

"You are melting my telephone." -- Nick as written in "The Problem with Mutants" by Tracy Morris

"We are vampires," LaCroix said haughtily "Not necrophiles." -- LaCroix as written in 'The Pecan Felt Round the World' by Tippi

"In the two thousand years he had managed to live his entire life without once having a food item of any sort lodged in his rear." -- 'The Pecan Felt Round the World' by Tippi

"A nut in hand... is worth two in the tush." -- 'The Pecan Felt Round the World' by Tippi

"The computer chips are smaller than a convict's chances of leaving prison a virgin." -- 'The Pecan Felt Round the World' by Tippi

"Do you have enough cash in your blouse for another taxi?" -- Natalie in the Virtual 4th Season episode 'Resurrection' by Susan Garrett

You too can be a vampire vending machine.

Let's see if vampires can get rug burns!

God why the thong? Why did I have to pick up on the thong of all things?! I could've picked something else to immortalize but noooo it had to be the bloody thong!

I'm a hug vampire.

Evil Pink Energizer Bunny Vamp!

Ack! Someone save Tippi from the wee policefolk!

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse,
He drinks the blood of a sheep, by force,
The vampire horse, Count Ed!

There once was a woodland vampire
Whose forest raids would draw Gramp's ire.
He'd bite on a granddaughter
And drink her like water,
Till Gramp toasted him up in a camp fire.

I'm not shy, I'm just studying my prey

Welcome to the NatBorg. You will be accessorized.

Who knows what lust lurks in the heart of women? The Otter knows.

I'd be pretty freakin disturbed to find a cross dressing otter in my room!

Nick's hair extensions aren't quite as evil in this ep; he must've had them baptized or something.

Let's have a Buddhist too, and pelt Nick with dozens of little happy Buddha figurines.

First pecans, now almonds? I think you've developed another fetish, luv!

Secretly, we've changed her blood with foldger's decaf crystals. Let's see how long it will take the vampire to taste the difference.

Think how different FK would be if Nick decided, "Screw it! I'm not getting paid. I refuse to angst for free."

The one with the really stupid pic of Nick looking like he is both vamped out and has rabies?

Curiouser and Curiouser meets Tiny Toon Adventures' Baby Plucky: "Nicky go down the ho-o-o-ole."

head like a brick
food makes him sick
often he needs
a good maiming kick
cow seems to muddle up his brain
but Nat is not the one to drain (Sung to Head Like a Hole by Nine Inch Nails)

..to cook for his bakery again, to escape from his endless, forever pie.

I've forgotten how fun Nick Bashing can be. Especially in front of an appreciative audience.

God, I love being a Die Hard. I get to abuse everyone.

An angsty Cousin is a blight against nature.

About flashback in Fatal Mistake:

       It's Dogtanion and Armanas!

       The three musketeers and Billy Idol.

       Can't you just see the three musketeers singing 'White Wedding'?

Can you imagine Divia returning to find LaCroix as a pizza delivery boy?

Nick couldn't accept the family tradition of pizza, so he went into Chinese.

Nicholas, when will you learn that salami is far superior to chow mein?

Pompeii Pizza -- Tastes like it's been around for centuries.

The only way I can watch Forever Knight... drunk.

Demon child!

Adultish FK quotes -- Quotes that are adultish in nature