"Not so cocky with us and Satan's Penis behind you, are you?" -- Drew Carey

Yes, she used my penis to fix my dryer. -- Drew

I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one. -- Drew

You're 35 years old, when are you going to learn to say the word 'penis'? -- Drew

"I don't want strangers to have sex in my bed unless I'm one of them."

"Twenty bucks would change my mind. Fifty would get you a photographer. A hundred will get you get no photographer."