Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.

He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.

Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.

He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.

The pants were very sad, they were depressed.

Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes.

If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.

When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.`

The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines.

Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates.

New with a K in front is a Canoe.

He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.

Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles. Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted?

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.

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